Stoicism reveals 4 rituals that will make you confident

Stoicism reveals 4 rituals that will make you confidentStoicism reveals 4 rituals that will make you confidentEver feel like youre leid good enough? Something bad happens and your brain plays a YouTube highlight reel of every mistake youve ever made. Your confidence crashes and your self-esteem flatlines.Youre not alone. People have been feeling like this as long as there have been people. Its an old problem and there are old solutions - old solutions that work pretty darn well, as a matter of fact.Ive talked about how psychologists steam-cleaned and science-tized ancient Buddhism intomodern mindfulness. Well, some very smart people have also dusted off Stoicism and weaponized it into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) - which is the most empirically supported treatment for the majority of psychological conditions.Mindfulness is the gentle cousin that steps back, examines thoughts, and lets the problematic ones float away. But its not for everybodyCBT, on the other hand, is the agg ressive cousin that asks negative thoughts if theyd like to step outside and settle this in the alley behind the bar. Having honed Stoic principles into a martial art called rationality, CBT righteously whoops some tuchus on the ideas that bring you down.So when youre feeling not-so-large-and-in-charge and need a boost, how do you use the modern version of ancient Stoicism to manufacture mora mojo?Lets get to itCBT = scientific StoicismTheres a lot to Stoicism (if you want the full whack, gohere) but for our purposes were gonna Zeno in - whoops, I mean zero in - on one key conceptYour feelings come from your thoughts.The boulder falling on your Honda didnt make you sad. And the moron who called you a moron didnt make you angry. Your thoughts, judgments and beliefs about what happened are what creates your emotional reactions.FromThe Daily StoicIt isnt events themselves that disturb people, but only their judgments about them. EpictetusAnd its that idea that forms the core of Cogni tive Behavioral Therapy.FromThe CBT Toolbox A Workbook for Clients and CliniciansCBT (Beck, 2011) is based on the principle that thoughts influence feelings, feelings influence actions, and actions influence our results, or life circumstances. In other words, situations dont make us feel certain ways. People dont make us feel certain ways. Its how we interpret (or think about) situations or things people say or do that influences how we feel.Some people are probably rejecting this idea out of handThoughts are responsible? No way.I didnt even have time to think. He called me a moron andthatswhat made me feel angry.Sorry, no. If I pull a gun-like object out of my jacket and you believe its a water pistol, you dont get scared.If I pull a gun-like object out of my jacket and you believe its really a weapon, youre petrified. Very different emotional reaction. But what changed? Nothing but your beliefs.Maybe you hated that Honda and would prefer to have the insurance money. Maybe you know that moron is a moron and his opinion means nothing to you. Beliefs determine how you feel and react.The Stoics realized that we need to question irrational or unhelpful beliefs so we can see the world and ourselves more clearly and live a better life.FromThe Daily StoicToday I escaped from the crush of circumstances, or better put, I threw them out, for the crush welchesnt from outside me but in my own assumptions. Marcus AureliusBut getting rid of the irrational, negative thoughts doesnt mean you shouldjust try to fill your head with positive affirmations. Thats replacing one inaccurate thought with another because being overly positive can be delusional. We wantrationalthoughts.(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my new bookhere.)Okay, out with the unhelpful, irrational thoughts and in with the useful, rational thoughts but how do we do that?1) Identify and challenge distorted thoughtsWhen youre feeling unconfident or your self-esteem plummets, that voice in your head, what is it saying? Because we want to get under the feeling to the belief thats causing it. So answer this questionI felt unconfident because I thoughtYou probably have a few go to thoughts like, Im an idiot or Im a complete failure.Once youve identified them we go to part 2 challenging the thoughts.Stoics knew this second part was critical.FromThe Daily StoicFirst off, dont let the force of the impression carry you away. Say to it, Hold up a bit and let me see who you are and where you are from let me put you to the test EpictetusSo what does CBT recommend you do? For every distorted thought, provide a rational responseDistorted Because I screwed up this project, I will never amount to anything and I am a complete failure.Rational Ive done great on other projects in the past, so its not fair to say that I am a complete failure. And its likely I will have successes in the future.Dont let those irrational, overreaching negative thoughts slide by unquestioned. Cor rect them and, with time, youll be thinking the more rational responses instinctively.(To learn the six rituals from ancient wisdom that will make you happy, clickhere.)Thats fine for the occasional negative thought but what if youre someone who isalwaysfeeling low self-esteem andalwayslacking confidence? We gotta dig deeper2) Test your core beliefsIf you chronically feel down about yourself it may not be an issue of a negative thought here or there it may be that your core beliefs about yourself are negative.Ideas likeIm unlovable or Im a loser might be at the bottom of most of the decisions you make. So thats where you need to start.Challenging such a fundamental idea can seem daunting. That concept has a really good lawyer in your head who is constantly presenting tons of evidence to prove his case that youre a loser.So its probably not hard at all for you to make a list of all that proof. Okay, do it. Yeah. Write that stuff down. Seriously. No, its not fun.But its important. Ill waitDone? Ouch. Not feeling so hot now. But heres how we fix things. The prosecution presented its case. But what youve been lacking is a defense lawyer on the other side.FromThe Daily StoicThis is the true athlete the person in rigorous training against false impressions. Remain firm, you who suffer, dont be kidnapped by your impressions The struggle is great, the task divine to gain mastery, freedom, happiness, and tranquility. EpictetusWith only the Im a loser side having someone aggressively presenting evidence, youve got a bad case of negativity confirmation bias - youre only seeing the stuff that agrees with the idea that youre awful.So sit down and make a second list. A list of reasons you arenota loser - why the first lawyer is wrong.FromThe CBT Toolbox A Workbook for Clients and CliniciansBecause of how our filters (beliefs) are set up, we often notice instances that support the unhealthy beliefs more than we notice those that may support our opposite, healthy beliefs however, that evidence almost always exists as well. One valuable tool involves forcing ourselves to look back over those very same periods of life purposefully looking to see the evidence that supports our healthy beliefs.Is the no-self-esteem lawyer still winning? Probably. Youre not used to challenging that idea and you probably discount all the awesome things you do, if you notice them at all. So whats the magic secret here? You need co-counsel.CBT says that having a friend remind you of all the great stuff you do that makes you important and valuable can help you remember and stop you from dismissing solid evidence.FromThe CBT Toolbox A Workbook for Clients and CliniciansYou may want to rely on family members or friends who were around during each period of life to help you notice such evidence. Even if they share things they see as counting that you dont think should count write them down anywayHaving that list of reasons you are pretty darn awesome will help you dismiss that negative core belief and replace it with something more honest, accurate and rational.(To learn how to use CBT to never be frustrated again, clickhere.)Okay, you dug deep and addressed those core beliefs. But everything is not going to change overnight. (Sorry.) How do you keep reprogramming the computer and make aya those old bugs in the code dont pop up again?3) Have an evening confidence ritualThe Stoics knew you needed to take some time to reflect each day in order to keep improving.FromThe Daily StoicI will keep constant watch over myself and most usefully will put each day up for review Let us balance lifes books each day SenecaSo you went back and countered the Im a loser case with evidence from the past that you are not a loser. Well, this is a court case that never ends. Every day, take some time at night to think about what you did well. Keep accumulating evidence.FromThe CBT Toolbox A Workbook for Clients and CliniciansAnother important tool for developing more healthy beliefs and thus becoming less reactive, is an ongoing evidence log. Whereas previous tools required you to review your life and look for evidence from the past, ongoing evidence logs ask you to be mindful of evidence in your everyday life.With time, youll notice the positive more often. And youll associate it with who you are. And your self-concept will become more positive.FromThe Daily StoicYour mind will take the shape of what you frequently hold in thought, for the menschengerecht spirit is colored by such impressions. Marcus Aurelius(To learn the seven-step morning ritual that will make you happy all day, clickhere.)Alrighty, youve identified and challenged, youve dug deep, and youre following it up with an evening confidence ritual each night So whats the final step toward solid Stoic self-esteem?4) Use a cognitive cue cardKeep monitoring that negative chatter in your noggin and dont immediately accept it. ABC, kiddos Always. Be. Challenging.FromThe Daily StoicWhen you are di stressed by an external thing, its not the thing itself that troubles you, but only your judgment of it. And you can wipe this out at a moments notice. Marcus AureliusSo how can you make the challenging smoother so you dont spend all day arguing with yourself back and forth like an insane person?Have a set response to challenge the negative thoughts youre accustomed to hearing.In fact, its a good idea to write it down on a card.When youre too tired to self-argue, and you know your brain is headed in the wrong direction, use your cognitive cue card to make sure your interpretations are rational and not negative.FromThe CBT Toolbox A Workbook for Clients and CliniciansOne tool that can assist us in doing better in the heat of the moment is flashcards Cognitive cue cards are designed to help us think differently in those situations. So the idea here is, in your calm moments, write down on a 35 note card what you believe you need to hear during the less-calm moments.The message on your card should take the structure of Just because ______ doesnt mean ______.Maybe youre socially awkward and beat yourself up about it Just because I said something silly doesnt mean Im a loser. Everyone makes mistakes and Im making fewer of them since reading that absolutely wonderful, fantastic blog post.Keep at it. Have that card in your pocket and be compassionate with yourself. Its going to take time, but with practice youll internalize the message. Why? Because its rational. It makes sense.(To learn the four Stoic secrets to being more productive, clickhere.)Okay, youve earned your toga - and some self-esteem. Lets confidently round everything upSum upHere are the four rituals from Stoicism and CBT that will make you confidentIdentify and challenge distorted thoughts (Why did I use the word distorted? Its a lousy word. And Im a lousy person Um, hold on a second willya? I have challenging to do)Test your core beliefs The prosecution has been assembling evidence that youre useless for years. Time for the defense to present their case. And make sure to have co-counsel assist you.Have an evening confidence ritual All you have to do is sit back for two minutes and think about all the great stuff you did today. Best homework ever.Use a cognitive cue card In high school, having the answers on a card in your pocket was called cheating. In life its emotionally healthy and will not get you detention.Reprogramming your grey matter with Scientific Stoicism takes time. Youll screw up. Thats okay. Yeah, the Stoics knew that too.FromThe Daily StoicWell-being is realized by small steps, but is truly no small thing. ZenoFocus on progress, not perfection. Youll never feel confident 100% of the time. (That would be kinda scary.) But I believe you can get better. I believe you can be much better.And our beliefs create our feelings. So its rational to feel good.Join more than 320,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Related postsNew Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You HappyNew Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More SuccessfulHow To Get People To Like You 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior ExpertThis articlefirst appeared at Barking Up the Wrong Tree.